My first love

My First Love

True real love between humans, my friends, does not exist. You can only have sexual attraction. Intellectual attraction. You can love your dog, or music. Or a great book. Movie. Passion. This makes more sense than loving a woman, who will never love you back in the same (or even in a similar way that will be sufficient) way.

That was very long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away). She was two years older than me, that is- 21yo. I was 19. We were both kids, but back then she looked mature to me. Haha. I remember how proudly I mentioned about her when talking with my friend ‘she’s a student, studying English’ (I’m was born in non-English country so bear in mind that this might explain my dodgy English at times 😉 )

I was so much in love with her. It wasn’t even about sex. It was about closeness and intimacy… mutual bonding. We were to stay together forever! Hahaha. That kind of love-bullshit. A huge one. Mutual bonding… which – well – lacked a lot from her side.

To make a long story short- she used me as much as she could, as she was already very experienced in terms of how ‘relationships’ work. Two or three sexual partners before me (hard to say how many she had before, really- of course that did not raised any of red flags back then, how stupid I was) she slept with a librarian who was 40 years old, before that she dated a transvestite. She showed me photos of herself naked, with dildos and stuff. Wow. What a mature and sexually open girl. At that point it was hard to tell who was more crazy- myself for wanting to be with her, or her for being that much unhealthy at such a young age.

She was lying all the time. At the end, she betrayed me. Of course she was still pretending (that is- saying) that she loves me.

Fast forward, I went into severe depression. After six months I meet a couple of colleagues I already knew from previous journeys. She was 24yo, he was 28yo. So, seven years older than me. I remember that they had issues in their relationship. They were together for more than seven years, with previous three years without sex. Completely. I thought that they still ‘loved each other’. Yeah, that magical love had to be somewhere there, right? Young people tend to believe that. And that’s why women who know it’s all lies use mostly younger men. IMO, if you’re older (let’s say over 30yo) and still being used by girls or you believe in love then you’re just sabotaging yourself.

I remember how funny it looked to me when they were arguing over petty things. Back then I thought that was cute. Oh, how stupid I was.

My Second Love.

It turned out that she did not love that guy for years already. She slept with me on a music festival to which we all went together. Now, of course- it was me to blame. Or good old ecstasy that we all popped in during that summer. 😉 Anyway, it was me who put the tongue in her mouth. I don’t deny that. And no, she didn’t stopped me. After all she could do that, right? If not me, it would be someone else.

This time it wasn’t as simple as with my First Love. The chemical high wasn’t there. Well, it was much weaker. Maybe because everything was still fresh after my first ever split up- or I was still loving that previous girl (did I mentioned about my stupidity?) …maybe my brain did not turned on to the new girl. Or I wasn’t a woman, because they can start loving new person really quickly. Men can’t act like that. Funny.

As far as I can tell, this was the most unfortunate situation. My second love was a really decent girl, unblemished and not really damaged – she only had 2 previous partners (including the one she was for 7 years). She was warm, passionate and caring (at least initially). Everybody tried to flirt with her. She was so used to this. She was confident and this somehow aroused me as the previous one wasn’t very feminine.

Sex was great, too. I realized how toxic my previous partner was. She wasn’t capable not even of good/normal/healthy sex but also anything connected with loving another person. Well, love is blind. Or rather the chemicals released during that high.

Regrettably, my second partner also had an agenda in mind. After we slept with each other I was clear with her- I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone now, you go and work with your boyfriend and try to fix your relationship (yeah, the irony of it- after all I screwed her on that festival, haha. But it wasn’t even a good sex. First timers aren’t usually perfect, especially when you’re that young. Besides after being betrayed I somehow stopped caring about being ‘good boy’ 100% of the time).

After few weeks she admitted that she loved me. Well, who could refuse and deny such statement from a girl so cute as her? Exactly. How stupid I was. We started a relationship. I was there physically but mentally not really. I was still heavily wounded after the first relation that left me feeling like a grenade exploded inside of my head.

With time I got more accustomed with her, maybe I was somehow loving her, too? It turned out that my second love used my connections, so that she can join me when moving abroad to look for better job and life. She betrayed and dumped me quickly after she landed a job in a first hotel that accepted her as a housekeeper. She fucked 36yo manager from there. How nice.

My Third Love

I meet my third love at work. Bad idea. I didn’t felt anything towards her. Even when she slept with me and declared that she love me (lol?). She wanted help because she lost place to live (ding-dong! huge red flag should hit me in the head back then but no, it did not- somehow I just wanted to help her as another human being- big mistake). After several months her love (and of course sexual attraction) dissolved in the cloud of arguments like ‘where I should put my tooth-brush and why I can’t go smoke outside of the house?!‘. Well, I mentioned before I agreed that she can move into my place that I am a night owl, and I smoke inside. She agreed. But of course, what girl says does not matter. Look for her actions. I moved to next flat after some time, when I started to be too fed up with her. She was already meeting another guy- without sex, but she was using him as he was driving her every day to her job. She was giving him hope. She probably slept with other guy (brother of the one that was driving her to her work- unbelievable!) when I was out in the city. In my house. She of course denied everything, but the guy wasn’t that clever. Do you see what picture is being painted here? It’s a grand scheme of women abusing men in every way they can find that’s working for them. Does not matter if you’re a good boy or an angel. The moment you fall for them, you lose. 

My Fourth Love

After another (this time much longer) period I meet my fourth love. Also at work. I was her boss. Also a mistake. She was six years older than me, and back then I said to myself- if this won’t be a mature girl, then there simply aren’t any. I was right. There aren’t any. Not even single one of them. She flirted with me, allowed me to walk her to her home. Kissed and finally asked whether she can stay at my place for a night because her current boyfriend which whom she split already was abusing her (!!!) and that she spent last seven days sleeping at her friends house. I thought ‘damn, that guy must be a real asshole!’ – sure I agreed. After all, I wasn’t an asshole, right? After the night she disappeared. Both from my life and from the job. By some curious twist of fate I thought it will be good to call her ex boyfriend/flatmate. Maybe he killed her? LOL. He called me first. We decided to meet. She never thought this will happen. Bad for her. Turned out she never split with him, and that she lied about sleeping at her friends house. But it was already too late for me. I was in love, chemically. My brain fucked me up again. And I allowed for it to happen, because I believed that she is telling the truth. Remember that you always got a choice. Whether you want to exchange one more look into girl eyes or not. This might be the very difference between remaining in control or not! Back then I wanted a woman in my life, somehow. The golden rule- if a relationship starts in shit, it will end in shit. She betrayed me at the end. Probably that’s her way of doing things in life. Lies and mind-games. She was very convincing, though. When you go and start being with other human being, you should expect loving, kindness, openness and honesty and not constant war-zone, deceptiveness and shit-tests. Well, women don’t want this and can’t provide this. They all gave me impression like they came from a huge psychiatric ward. Really.

What was also evident is that every time I somehow ‘won over’ a girl for a moment I felt ‘better’ than the other competitor. Like it was a competition. And like I won over a prize. Whilst in fact I just lost badly. Every time. Competition between males over a pussy is the very crux causing a lot of problems between ourselves. Now I know that. I won’t ever fight over a pussy. You want it? Take it. With all its shit inside. If you prefer a pussy over my friendship then you don’t deserve either.

My first love was just using me as one big inexperienced toy to play with. She was the essence of female deceit.

My second love. It wasn’t really love, but the girl was nice & cute. Until she stopped to be because I no longer suited her needs.

My third love. It wasn’t love at all. I did not loved her, but she had fallen in love with me on a purpose- so that she can move in to my place, when her ‘friends’ turned her off. When she saved enough money and secured better job, she was out of love. Magic, huh?

My fourth love. It was love, I haven’t felt such chemical high since my first love. However, girl was toxic and got borderline personality disorder for sure. She dumped me for a ‘better guy’ (her words) when being with me started to be too demanding (like the need to do something in the house, or just communicate in a decent manner regarding daily chores) – turned out the next guy was exactly same immature dumb-ass as her. She got unlucky in her luck- karma, bitch!

My fifth love. Never happened. So far. And I can imagine that it might happen, after all you never know what your brain can prepare for you. But, I seriously doubt it hence my current knowledge and conscious will to stay away from any kind of LTRs with women. You always lose at the end. Please, tell me that I am wrong. Tell me that there are normal women out there, somewhere. But where? Maybe I should look between super-rich? Maybe then they have good morals? Yeah… sure.

You can of course argue that I had bad luck and ‘NAWALT‘. During older days before finding about The Red Pill and (not very long after that) MGTOW every female I spoke about this told me that it was my fault. That I was the one to blame. That only if I tried better, be even more Blue Pilled servant... then some magic would finally happen! Then they would not betray me, or at least they would show their appreciation. Haha. Maybe I’d be so manginated by then that I would not even notice their lies anymore. What they all tried to tell me is that ‘well it can’t be true that every girl you’ve been with in a relationship was crazy, it has to be you!’ (it’s called ‘influencing guilt and shame’ and they know it’s their fault and responsibility/actions causing our misery- that’s why they always play this mind-game on us) Thankfully I was too wise already. They helped me to see the truth. All of them.


Yes, I am no longer stupid. I am wise. I am MGTOW.


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