Young chick wants me
Things in my new job already settled a bit. Everything is great, people are amazing and I am very happy about it. There’s one 26yo girl who is really attracted to me. She is a very good looking HB8. She has a boyfriend. At least that’s what I can tell from looking at her personal profiles from over the web. As someone who knows something about women I know that this unfortunately means nothing. She might be bored by him. Or not being in love and just looking for a replacement. This also tells me that dating her would mean she’ll be in a very rough emotional state – and I don’t really want to mess around with some jealous ex either.
Also, she might be attracted to me just because she sense my confidence and the fact that I am not chasing after her (or trying to impress her just like every other male in the office). Either way, my mind starts to play tricks on me. She is gorgeous – she comes from the far east, from one of the hot countries. She looks healthy, knows her value and is young which is an additional boost to me. All these 35+ year olds that are curious about me at work have nothing to offer when compared to the freshness, youthfulness and spontaneity of this girl. And the way she smells… oh my god… Long live the youth!
If I only had all this knowledge I posses now when I was 23… life is not fair.
When I think “okay, what can happen if I go after her…” then immediately I think how much money I will need, how much time and effort I need to put into all this – and how little of that money and time I will have left afterwards. And what I will get back? Sex, companionship and a bit of new experiences. Well, it feels like I am getting old because if I was 20 I would rush into this without thinking. On the other side, is there anything else in life (except experiences) worth pursuing? Isn’t the unpredictability of the whole situation what makes it exciting? I certainly don’t want to spend the best years in my life being alone all the time. I want to have good memories instead of just regrets that I did not tried something when it was in front of me.
It’s literally not possible to be active in any relationship and also live your own life as normal. I would need to put off my personal plans for the next half of the year – and they are important plans to me (like moving out to my own place in the middle of 2017). If I won’t be too involved, then of course she’s going to get hurt or/and my reputation will be damaged (“you nasty bastard, you just used her!”).
It’s always men’s fault. When a woman does bad things, then it is “don’t worry dude, NAWALT!”. And of course, I won’t do it – we are working together. I don’t find this idea very pleasant. But from the other side, she’s exactly the type of a girl that I wanted. Yeah, I still have my “dream girl list of qualities”. Haha, silly me. Also, I am single for a long time already. But yeah, I don’t care. Don’t worry guys. I just think it out loud. Every woman is the same. AWALT. It’s not worth it and certainly not with someone from work.
It is so funny how my male mind tries to create that fantasy dreamy story – how “we” could be really happy as a pair and how many great things we could achieve or experience together. Isn’t it how our brain behaves exactly every time when we are starting to be attracted to someone new? We create all these imaginary things in our head and then we project them onto that person. But the reality is always different, always less great. Not because of our dreams, but because women don’t dream in the same way. They want us, yes – but only as a tool, as something they need in order to achieve something. While men dream about companionship… a real relationship and a true union of the body, mind and soul. In the past I tend to call me and any-given-girlfriend “us“. But there were no “us“. It was only me and her. Relationship doesn’t exist. It’s in our heads. We are rationalizing everything.
Another paradox is the fact that if you think you can be with a younger girl, then be honest with yourself- if you’re (just like me) in middle 30s and you’re barely able to handle tantrums (and all that crazy behavior) of say, 35 year old chick, then how the hell you are going to suffer through everything that sits in the head of a 26 year old? That’s another cruel trick of our nature – girl so young will have completely different world view and ways of spending her free time. She’s probably still drinking her ass out every weekend, partying like crazy – just like I did when I was 26. Fuck, youth passes so quickly… and I am not even old yet! But already too old for that! So, hypothetically if I won’t be playing her fatherly figure, what role I can play? She can introduce me to her friends and I’d be that “old one”. So I’d say, better for her to stay with her two years younger (he’s 24) boyfriend.
We’ve had a serious conversation
In the meantime, I look back at the so-called relationship of the insecure guy/Mr Needy and Kristi. I was talking with her two days ago and I’ve asked her how it was going. She said (we didn’t spoke for a week or two) that it’s “allright now, they had a really serious conversation and so far it’s fine”. I’ve said to her “Oh, great! You guys just started dating and already have some “serious conversations, how nice” – she replied “Yeah, I know…” with a typical long stare.
Now, think about it. This is how relationships are usually going. Arguments, stupid drama, “serious conversations” leading nowhere and giving a false sense of security.
Of course, the more insecure both people are, the bigger the drama. 😉