Ultimately, we are all alone. And that’s fine.
And love is a scam. I am not talking about the universal cosmic love. That is something of far wider perspective. But our earthly, human love? It’s a scam. Biological imperative crafted by nature to maintain the continuity of human species.
We are being told that in order to love truly you need to love freely. To give freedom to the person that we love. But yet, at some another level, love also means control. And control means to worry. And you worry to lose someone you love because you care about them. And you can lose a person in many different ways. The feeling that a father has when his daughter slips into drug addiction? That hopeless realization that nothing can be done in order to save her? Yet, he tries to do it nevertheless. And only when he realizes there’s truly nothing he can do to help her, he quits. And gives up. It’s a tremendous sadness mixed with sorrow and grief. This is how I feel now. One of the people that were close to me, deliberately and stubbornly chooses the wrong path for herself. And just like in those books we’ve been told to never read, a small part of myself dies within. This is because a part of myself, of my heart, was living inside of her. And nothing can be done. After so many years of hard work and hope that one can recognize and change the bad habits. You can only save yourself. Other people don’t give a fuck about you or your hope to help them. They don’t want to be saved.
“I am happy only when I am unhappy”
Apparently a parent can never give up and leave his own child. Maybe some of them can. Maybe they do it only on the surface but deep down nothing is being resolved, and there’s no peace at heart. Ever. Maybe sometimes life throws us towards similar experiences, so that we can gain knowledge and recognize patterns.
But after every rainfall, there’s another breakthrough of clear weather. So, on one side I am asking myself “what the hell I am still doing here?” but on the other I know that soon everything will change for the better. For myself. Only for myself.